Infant's mother seeking father time

I’m a non-gym-membership-having mother of one who appreciates long walks on the beach (provided I don’t have to walk too far), candle-lit dinners that I can nap through, and reruns of Friends while using my breast pump.
You might mistake me for Heidi Klum, not because I look like her, but because I enjoy speaking in a German accent while ordering bratwurst. Other than that, I am of average height, with average brown hair, but with above average dark circles framing my beautiful red eyes.
Special Skills: I can rock a pair of Old Navy sweat pants like no other and know all the lyrics to the song The Devil Went Down to Georgia. 
This frazzled Frau is looking to reconnect with a certain older distinguished gentleman sporting a white beard (sometimes carrying a large cane) so that I may finish the laundry I started five months ago, wash the make-up off my face that I applied last week, and possibly find some time to pee alone.
This older bearded fellow was last seen pre-baby when I had nothing to do and all the time in the world to do it. These days, I would greatly appreciate seeing you again, for I am dearly missing time to wash and dry my hair. I will be happy to accept any additional help you could provide me: longer naps for baby, a free part-time nanny, my parents winning the lottery so that they can move here.
My day is hectic, so I prefer to be contacted by text or email due to possible waking up of possible sleeping baby—possbily.
If you are in the area, please email me your availability.
Thank you,
Sweat-Pant Rocking Mother of One