Like a bull in a china shop

For the past week, every day has been a study in clumsiness at my house.

Truth be told, I’ve never been particularly coordinated or graceful–something my high school basketball coach or anyone who has ever danced with me would heartily affirm. But, it’s worse than ever these days. Tripping down stairs, running into inanimate (or, worse, animate) objects, and dropping things are my new favorite past times. I’m like a walking slapstick routine or King Midas in reverse.

When I’m in the kitchen, I’m like King Midas in reverse on steroids. Two days in a row, I tried my darndest to cut my fingers off with a knife. Fortunately, I was too clumsy to succeed even at that, and I just ended up with a bloody mess.
The first time, I was slicing a bagel with a knife the size of my forearm (“Go big or go home”) when I took a chunk out of my thumb. Somehow, the pain didn’t dampen my desire for bagels, and so the next morning I proceeded to get out the same kitchen knife to try my hand at it again (literally). Unfortunately, I was concentrating so hard on keeping my thumb out of the way that I forgot I had four other phalanges. Off went the tip of my wedding-ring finger.

If I didn’t know better, I would think I had some deep-seated depression going on and was making a subconscious effort to inflict pain on myself. But, thanks to my What to Expect When You’re Expecting book, I am sure that the only condition I have going on is pregnancy. According to the author, Ms. Murkoff, becoming a klutz in the sixth month of pregnancy is common. Changes in your joints and ligaments, water retention and even carpal tunnel syndrome can all result in getting more than a few marks against you in the coordination department.

Knowing my bumps, cuts, and bruises are the battle scars of growing a baby, I will be wearing them with honor from now on. And, because I already have enough “honor badges” to last me awhile, I will be switching over to pre-sliced English muffins in the morning.