Perfectly Seasoned Thanksgiving Tweets From Funny Parents

Thanksgiving day is the pinnacle of modern parenting. It’s made up of the trifecta of cooking, cleaning, and hosting that we’ve been trying to perfect since, well, forever. The holiday is basically our Olympics.

Though the origin story they taught us in elementary school was as whitewashed and sugar-coated as the apple pie we plan on baking (at best), there’s still something special about having a day dedicated to gratitude, love, family, and committing the sin of turkey-based gluttony together until we all can fill out our maternity pants again.

To help you get into the holiday spirit, we thought we’d share some oh-so-real Thanksgiving tweets from funny internet parents that are *chef’s kiss*.

Make as many dishes as you want, but know that there’s only one thing your child is going to consume, and that is their weight in buttered dinner rolls—if you’re lucky. You can fancy it up and call it a “glazed wheat bake” if it makes you feel better.

Oh, that? That’s my cooking vodka. That I drink while rage-cooking a 13-course dinner for eight while my kid shoots me in the butt with a Nerf gun.

Listen, I’ve got Target to shop and a ton of corny Hallmark Christmas movies to watch, and these kids I chose to birth and nurture are really throwing a wrench in my plans.

Me to my kids: Listen, our sole purpose for coming here is to eat.
My kids: Sure, I’ll gnaw on a roll for two minutes before disappearing to play for the rest of the time. Oh, and can I get a Happy Meal on the way home?

We love a good Thanksgiving Mom McHack.

Let’s get married and have kids so we can clean before guests arrive and get the house unclean so that we can clean it again after they leave.

My favorite Thanksgiving pastime is stocking up on food for Thanksgiving dinner and forgetting that I also need to feed my family the other six days of the week.

There should be a nationally recognized period of at least three days following Thanksgiving called “everyone fend for yourselves!” where your family survives solely on questionable culinary creations made with leftovers.

That’s rich coming from a person who frequently eats their own boogers.

Wait, you only break those out for Thanksgiving and not every day of the week even though your youngest is 260 weeks old? Notsame.

As it states in the Mom Law Handbook on page 49, section 7A, “Thou shalt take mediocre pictures of the food you cooked that literally everyone else is also eating and post to social media with one of the following captions: ‘so blessed’ ‘gobble gobble’ ‘Happy Turkey Day!’ ‘Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!’ ‘feeling thankful,’ or ‘let’s get stuffed’ or thy Mom Card shall be revoked.”

Thanks for the candied hand, foot, and mouth disease, Aiden.

We’re not sure what comes over us as mothers before company arrives that has us believing they’ll give a gobble about whether we have dust on our baseboards or not, but this fear has us trying to conceal the fact that *gasp* people actually live in our home.

Dry turkey sandwiches every day for an entire week? Sounds scrumptious!

Give yourself the gift of not having to cook all day in an itchy sweater dress just to end up with a sink full of dishes and kids begging for dinosaur nuggets. I am thankful for contactless delivery.

A T-shirt the cashier can read while dead-eyeing you as you do the last-minute checkout walk of shame that says, “I bought groceries for Thanksgiving last week but my family ate them.”

OK, but this is what they actually want anyway, so it sounds like a win-win to me.

Thankful for these laughs? Why not share them with your friends and family? And before we get our parent cards revoked, Happy Turkey Day from our family here at Pregnancy & Newborn to yours!