Week 16: My multifunctional belly

For me, the fourth month isn’t a real significant turning point because I’m not scheduled to give birth in 45 seconds. I’m somewhere in between: “Almost halfway there” and “no where near close to being done.” The fourth month of pregnancy is like the fifth New Kid on the Block. That one guy no one ever paid any attention to, the one we never knew what happened to. Nor do we care.

My fourth month of this pregnancy does bring to me a baby belly. Thanks to exhausted abdominal muscles and an experienced uterus, my time in: “Is she fat, or pregnant?” limbo was short lived. The nice thing about pregnancy is that you suddenly become quipped with a multipurpose belly. Like a Leatherman, only easier to use. The McGuyver of body parts are:

The Belly Blocker

We all know picking things off the floor isn’t easy once the belly emerges. Not without a fancy leg swing, for momentum. All those years of drunken Foosball in college are now going to pay off when you block that chopped green onion from falling off the counter. Ultimately saving yourself from some freak back ligament injury.

The Spill Catcher

I rarely have to worry about cleaning missed-mouth-spills up off the floor because nothing ever makes it to the floor. My stomach and shirt seem to work as a cohesive unit—my stomach to slow the object in motion and my shirt to absorb whatever is on it.

The Massage Blocker

Prevents my husband from comfortably resting his legs across my lap, in hopes of a possible foot rub.

The Bumper

I use this on cabinets, doors, drawers, and toddlers. Any.

The Belly Button Enhancer

For some, it’s like being equipped with your very own biological turkey timer. For me, an inny, about all that’s happening is I’m developing a very deep crater that may or may not go all the way to the center of the earth by December.

The Feet Shielder

I don’t have to worry about what my swelling feet looked like, or if I even have the same shoe on both feet. I already can’t see them very well.

The Confidence Booster

It’s a nice break from sucking in my gut and folding my muffin top inside my waistband. The baby belly is wonderful in that my belly fat is distributed evenly. Not only can I comfortably let it all hang out, it looks fine and it feels very liberating.

The Baby Carrier

The ultimate comfort carrier. So ultimate, I don’t even have to think about the baby…until they’re heavier, and on my bladder. Also, I can sit my older kids on my belly like a saddle or a carousel horse. Giddy up!

After I have this baby my belly will be less useful as a blocker and more useful as a storage container. I won’t be able to block vegetables anymore, but I will be able to catch quite a few of them. After three pregnancies and several over exhausted stomach muscles, I might even be able to mop the floor with my belly. I’ll whistle a New Kids on the Block tune and wonder whatever happened to that one guy?