Week 27: Push presents

By Published On: September 5th, 2014

This is a thing? How did two kids exit my […]

This is a thing? How did two kids exit my uterus and I not know that this was a thing?gift
Push presents are also known as:

  • A push gift
  • A baby mama gift
  • A baby bauble
  • An “I’m so glad you had to do this and not me” gift

For those of you who also had no idea that this was a thing, let me inform you—because I feel we all can greatly benefit from this information—that these are basically presents that partners give to mothers to mark the occasion of giving birth to their child. Nothing says: “Thanks for forever changing your bladder capacity” quite like a diamond necklace.
Gifts may be given before the birth or after, preferably not during. They can be given in the delivery room or the recovery room. Preferably not on the delivery bed. And though the name is indicative of vaginal deliveries, women who also give birth via C-section are by no means excluded. So, ladies, start cashing in if you haven’t already.
Of course, to the partners of the world, let me assure you the ONLY present your significant other wants after pushing 8 pounds of baby out of her yin-yang is:

  • As much guilt-free coffee as she wants to consume
  • Sleep
  • Quiet
  • Sleep
  • Eating sushi
  • Sleep
  • Sleep
  • Beer/wine
  • Sleep
  • Naps with a side of sleep

But whatever—jewelry works too. If you need some help with ideas, here are a few:
Good presents

  • Jewelry
  • Anyone else feeding the baby every other night
  • A trip to St. John’s, Antigua … alone
  • A professional massage

Not very good presents

  • A snack size bag of Cheetos
  • A regular size bag of Cheetos
  • A trip to Walmart
  • Maternity-sized anything

Even if you didn’t give birth to your child, you still qualify, and I’ll tell you why:

  • A mom is way more than a birther.
  • A mom is someone who has to look for the poop that squirted out of your newborn during that 2:45 a.m. diaper change. FYI you’ll find it in the ceiling fan six weeks later when a dinner guest looks up.

So, for the simple reason that not all moms do the pushing—and because “push present” just sounds stupid—we should change the name of these gifts to:

  • Mom gifts
  • Catcher-of-vomit gifts
  • Kisser-of-boo-boo gifts
  • Waker-for-cluster-feeding gifts
  • Nurturer, lover, hugger, meeter-of-needs gifts

Or maybe just, “Thanks for being so special and doing all you do” gifts.
Then maybe let her have a nap, with a side of sleep.